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Couples are often
blindsided by the negative feelings that are part of every relationship. These
feelings can act like a negativity magnet that seeks similar energy. Find out
how to use positive feelings to overcome these negative patterns.    

New love seems to cradle
and carry couples for a time?magnifying all that is good about your partner and
your future together. We now know that relationships go through a series of
phases over the years?some that can challenge the very bond that holds you
together.

 
It’s interesting how
people describe their new partner to friends and family, and how these
perceptions can change over time. Unfortunately, some of the very traits that
initially draw people to one another are the same traits that are later
perceived as problematic. Here are some I’ve heard over the years:

Left column is an
early perception of one’s partner; Right column is same trait later perceived
much differently:

 
“Quirky”??????????????????”Annoying”

“Expressive”????????????????”Overly
talkative”

“Exuberant”????????????????”Highly
emotional”

“Passionate”????????????????”Down-right
opinionated”

“Pensive”.?????????????????.”Self-absorbed;
unyielding”

“Easy-going”????????????????”Naïve;
immature”

“Carefree”?????????????????.”Ditzy;
uncaring”

“Serious”?????????????????..”Stern;
unfeeling”

“Driven”??????????????????”Rigid;
obsessed”

Why this is the case is up
for debate. One thing is for certain:

Negative feelings are more salient and
linger longer than positive feelings. These negative feelings have a profound influence
on your perceptions of others?especially your spouse or partner.

If I asked you to quickly
recall something positive that happened to you over the last several months or
something upsetting that happened, it’s likely that you’d have quicker mental
access to the painful or upsetting experience.

 
What does any of this have to do with your
marriage or relationship?

 
If you do not actively work on acknowledging
and cherishing the positive aspects of your marriage or relationship, sooner or
later the negatives will grow like a cancer and take over.

Negative feelings act like
a negativity magnet that seeks similar energy. So when you’re in a bad mood, or
feeling down about something, you are more likely to ignore positive
experiences, while highlighting all that’s wrong with life. When you’re in a
bad mood, relatively neutral circumstances can even be perceived with a biased,
negative slant.

While your thoughts
influence your emotions, your emotions also influence your thoughts and
perceptions.

This is why it’s important
for couples to cool off after an argument before trying to come to some
resolution. If not, negative feelings on both sides will continue to create
biased perceptions and everything that you don’t like (or can’t stand) about
your partner will scream for attention.

 Rule
of thumb: You cannot hold opposing thoughts about your
spouse or partner at the same time. At any particular moment you
might think he’s either a total jerk or Mr. wonderful?but he can’t be both at
the same time.

So when you work on
creating more mental space for positive thoughts about your partner, less room
exists for negativity. And when you work on focusing on the positive aspects of
your relationship (and your life), you elevate your mood and you will be more
likely to overlook (or at least not harp on) certain flaws that exist in your
partner.

 

A fight that could have escalated?meet
Eric:

Like all of us, Eric gets
into arguments with his wife, Brianna, from time to time. And like all of us,
he feels righteous and justified in his position during conflict and sees his
wife as unreasonable. But Eric fell upon a simple yet powerful way to overcome
the toxic effects that can linger after an argument?he was able to shift his
mood and create a positive state of mind and before he knew it, the argument
didn’t drive his reactions.

After a spat one evening,
the couple went to sleep angry at each other. Before work the next morning Eric
kept reviewing the argument in his mind and worked himself up all over
again?while brushing his teeth he drew up his mental blueprints for a grudge
that would probably last the entire day: the silent treatment, followed up by
eye rolling, a few sighs and some door-slamming thrown in for effect. 

Before heading out the
door, Eric checked his email and watched a short, funny video a friend had
sent. Five minutes later, he was laughing and in a good mood. The argument with
Brenda was the furthest thing from his mind. But a few minutes later he began
thinking about the argument again and he could immediately feel his good mood exit. 

 
Eric had two choices at this point:

Ruminate about the argument and continue
to feed his negative mood

or

Work toward maintaining and further
elevating his positive mood

 
Eric decided on that
second option. He was able to stop his ruminations about the argument by
watching the amusing video one more time.

As Eric later described,
“At that moment everything felt different and the heaviness I was feeling
lifted.”

With good mood in hand, he
was surprised to find that he wanted to make things better with Brianna. When your mood is elevated, you’ll be more
motivated to create and nurture experiences that feed your positive feelings.
So before heading off to work, Eric apologized to his wife for his share of
unreasonableness and things were back to normal in their relationship.

 Are you ready to follow
Eric’s lead and create an atmosphere of positivity in you marriage or
relationship?

 To discover relationship
tips and learn what other couples are doing to create stronger relationships, visit , you will
receive the popular free reports: “The four mindsets that can topple your
relationship” and “Relationship self-defense: Control the way you
argue before your arguments control you.”  

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